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Author Topic: Jharms video game reviews  (Read 2084 times)

Offline Veldanya Venalla

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Jharms video game reviews
« on: October 17, 2013, 02:35:57 AM »
The setting is of a standard late night television show stage....a desk with the host sitting behind it...a couple chairs next to the desk for guests to sit in...a band off to the side to play tunes as the camera's fade to comercial.  Seated at the desk is a massive being, his eyes glowing a bright white.  It is Jharm, the Seraphim of the Seraph race.  Instead of his usual gleaming armor though he is wearing a suit of pure white fabric with a golden silk tie.

Good evening folks and welcome to "Seraphim Says"!  This evening we will be reviewing a video game you may have heard about recently.  Its called Metro: Last Light.  It is a first person shooter based game that follows the storyline of the previous game called "Metro 2033" where the nuclear apocalypse has occured and you (and other lucky Russian people) have retreated down into the Metro system of Moscow to try and survive until the day that the nuclear radiation on the surface subsides enough for you to go topside.  Metro: Last Light begins roughly where Metro 2033 ends.

Please note folks the following WILL contain major spoilers if you have not completed Metro 2033...if you continue and we spoil the game....dont bitch at us....nuff said. you play as Artyom, a Russian soldier who wound up battling the Dark Ones, a mysterious race of creatures who could possess and generally mind-fuck humans, and eventually launch multiple nukes onto their [Dark Ones] nest eliminating the entire race...or so you assume.  Metro: Last Light begins with you being informed that you did NOT wipe out the Dark One race and that a friend of yours (Khan) has spotted a Dark One near their old nest.  You are tasked by Miller (leader of the Rangers) to hunt down and eliminate the Dark One.  Eventually you discover that said Dark One is just a child and in fact poses no danger to anyone.  This matters little though for you are eventually captured by soldiers of the Reich (yep....the Nazi's manage to survive the apocalypse and are still trying to create the "perfect" aryan race...)  you wind up escaping from them and over time get exposed to the other factions of the game which includes the Red Line (Communists) and the Hansa (democracy). 

Jharm looks offstage for a second

Ok folks looks like we gotta cut to commercial break.  Stay with us and I will give you my opinion of this game and if you should spend your hard earned money on it!

The camera slowly pans out as Jharm shuffles some papers.  After some random commercials play the camera shows the stage once again with Jharm sitting at the desk like before.

Welcome back folks to "Seraphim Says!".  Before we went to commercial I was describing the general backstory to the game "Metro: Last Light".  Well give a warm round of applause for the star of the game....Artyom!!

A man wearing a full chemical suit and gas mask, carrying an assault rifle walks onto stage waving his hand at the audience.

Hi there Artyom, how are you today?

*Artyom's gas mask muffles what he says

Ya know...the air in here isnt toxic...might be easier if you remove that thing.

Artyom removes the mask

"As I was saying...not too bad...I mean for having to deal wit the end of the world...battling mutated and twisted creations....trying to prevent all out war from enveloping the Metro Line....yeah"

Yeah Im sure that can get to a guy.  Anyways, we brought you here so you could tell the audience a little about the game you participate in.

"Well, its a pretty amazing game....definetely has its scary bits...especially when I wind up traveling through tunnels swarming with those damn spiders...or even worse the Nosalise.  The usage of the gas mask is pretty cool in that it gives a sense of urgancy during the above ground missions....though I gotta say...the creatores REALLY need to figure out a better system for telling you where the hell you gotta go.  You know how many times i was scrambling through the ruins of Moscow going "Where the fuck am I supposed to go?!?" with my gun out (fully expecting watchmen/nosalise/etc to show up to attack me) and forgetting I have the stupid clipboard with a compass on me.  I mean why couldnt they go the route of some games with the nice flashy line kinda telling you "hey dumbass...this is where you gotta go."  heck...make it so using the clipboard is free...using the glowy line punishes you somehow I dunno."

Yeah I know what you mean there.  You are so involved in the game then suddenly miss some little thing, some small feature that would get you to the next part....then you are backtracking thinking you missed something, trying to follow the compass but overlooking the small thing hanging 2 feet above your head or something.

" mind you...theres only so much you can do to help the player before you are literally handholding them through the entire game, so I personally wouldnt say the devs "failed" in this aspect, but maybe its something they could try to look in to when they are making the next (hopefully for my sake) game." sure the audience is tired of hearing us talking about the game and wants to know just how we rate it.  Well ladies and gentlemen...we here at "Seraphim Says" give Metro: Last Light an 8/10 rating!  The only issue we really had was the aforementioned "guide" system.  Therefore we recommend the game to anyone who likes "horror" games (though Last Light doesnt beat the horror aspect over your head) or more strongly, the end of the world/apocalypse setting.  With that being said it looks like our time is up.  I leave you with some gameplay footage of "Metro: Last Light" enjoy folks.  See you next time as "Seraphim Says!" for all your video game reviews.  Good night!

The camera pans out over the audience then fades to gameplay footage of Metro Last Light while jazzy type music plays in the background
When you can't see a future, all you can do is do the next right thing.